Feb
12
Boyfriend wants access to my email?
February 12th, 2009 posted by
admin
Need some advice.. I am a professional 28 year old who requires the use of my laptop to do bills, work, and play some poker once in a while. My boyfriend of over 1 year makes joking comments about my computer usage that make me feel uncomfortable. He tends to suggest that I am flirting with others on Myspace (which I don’t use) and secretly emailing other men. However, these joking comments are weekly if not almost daily. I am very conscious of my computer time and I put my laptop away while he is over to give him my undivided attention. This just sparks his comments even more. Last night, he mentioned that a married couple we are friends with share their passwords to their email accounts. He again made me uncomfortable with this request. I am not hiding anything, I mostly get newsletters and sale emails. But something about him accessing my email makes me feel uneasy, but I also feel I should let him because not to would seem that I am keeping something from him. Advice?
Thank you everyone for your responses. I chose the best answer based on my feelings that invasion of privacy is a form of an abusive relationship. I have been cautious of his actions lately, especally with his trusting and controlling issues. I always felt that I was the one with a particular problem (too flirty, too invovled in friend’s lives) but now I am realizing that its not me. A person should but able to live their life, not take a backseat and sulk.
Amanda says:
February 14th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
He is over reacting. I would not give him my passwords. He would just have to get over it. This guy sounds like he is too jealous.
Heinz M says:
February 17th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
Why? He wants control?
steph says:
February 18th, 2009 at 1:49 am
he seems like a pretty insecure guy.. but your right.. he’ll think your hiding something if you don’t give it to him..
if i was in your situation, i would say “hey here it is.. you obviously don’t trust me.. have at ‘er”
mnencefront says:
February 18th, 2009 at 5:19 am
better he should have access to your mail’box’ ….
rocknroll.love says:
February 18th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
he is obviously uncomfortable with you having a life..
i wouldn’t give him my email password or access or whatever.. thats just crazy.. i know you dont have anything to hide, but you should be able to have your rights to your own life
Devdude says:
February 21st, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Dont give him access to your email. Its only been a year anyway if you wanted a husband you might have married him. But he is being too persistant. Try and ease his mind a bit in other ways but DONT give him access to your email accounts. I suspect this guy will be getting exit visa’s shortly!!!
CallMeMikeDexter,Please says:
February 23rd, 2009 at 11:36 am
It’s really none of his business. Don’t give it to him. Part of an abusive relationship is that people have to surrender their privacy completely. Surrendering a computer password is like that. If he’s insecure, then he can ***** off.
Stan W says:
February 23rd, 2009 at 11:06 pm
Trust your instincts.
Don’t let him. It’s only the beginning.
Let me see that – what’s that – who’s that.
Need access to your voice mail.
Going on a business trip – must text him and every 30 minutes and be ready to take pictures with your cell phone
to prove where you are and who your with.
Tell him what other married couples do is between them and n/a to you and him and to stop bringing it up.
This is the year 2007 and this is the technology that you use.
When you hear him question you – you hear disrespect – like, why does he think you are the type of girl who would do the things he’s thinking of?
This trust/disrepct issue will show itself in more ways than this so make this a deal breaker now.
He either trusts you or he doesn’t and there’s the door if he doesn’t.
allkoei says:
February 24th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
you are in a really tough spot. i hope i can help.
you need to sit down with him and tell him how you feel. even in a committed relationship, there has to be a level of privacy. as long as noone is cheating , then there shouldn’t be a problem. you should ask yourself why he is so paranoid. what good does exchanging passwords do? he/you can always make another account somewhere else. he needs to get over his jealousy issues, before they turn into control issues.
ase_kz says:
February 26th, 2009 at 3:18 am
I’ve been in the same situation. My mistake was that I got offended by his little comments about the time I spent at the computer. If you don’t have anything to hide, let him sit next to you while you are working and just pay no attention to him, you are just taking care of your business, right? Sooner or later he will stop bothering you with that. As far as the password, it’s a little too much. You aren’t married YET. He needs to trust you more. That’s my advice.
wongfiehung2003 says:
February 28th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
no… dont do it, it is your personal property , and he is NOT your husband yet..he is being insecure annd controlling to some extent
michael S says:
March 3rd, 2009 at 10:28 pm
This exact same issue has been rearing its ugly head among my group of friends (and our respective significant others), as of late.
I live by a general rule: that is, no double-standards! So… you might want to agree to exchange email access with each other. Perhaps share a look at your mail in the presence of the other, (without sharing passwords)… or, simply exchange unconditional access.
Out of four couples who agreed to share their emails, 3 of us ended up changing our passwords and reclaiming them for ourselves. Perhaps it’s not a comprehensive survey… but like you, we are all 20′s – early 30′s professionals… with a lot at stake!
Sharing my email made me feel uneasy. But I wanted a look at hers, so it seemed like a good compromise. I was well aware that both of us could simply delete anything we didn’t want the other to see anyway, so it really only allowed us to see how the other interacts with friends, etc. I decided to change my password when my gf took it upon herself to respond to one of my friends from my account. That just doesn’t seem right.
And then there is this matter to consider: when you send an email to someone, you like to think that you are sending it just to them, don’t you? So in a way, you compromise a trust that you share with your peers. Is it worth the price to you?
If you are feeling uneasy, perhaps the best thing to do is listen to your instincts. Your opinion might change down the road.
If you choose not to share your password, consider explaining to your boyfriend that you feel it would compromise a trust that you share with your peers, and it’s not a good idea at this time. He might not like your choice, but I’m sure he will respect your decision.