Feb
14
Pornography on husband’s computer AGAIN?
February 14th, 2009 posted by
admin
Last spring I found pornography on my husband’s computer as well as a woman in an other country that he was having an emotional affair with. We spoke with one of our minister’s who I felt allowed him to change the subject and place the blame on ME. I went to counseling with him for a while at another location but he stopped making appointments when the truth of why we were there finally came out. It took another 6 months before he finally would apologize. I DID forgive him and we went on. This morning I was on his computer(he has his own for on-line schooling) to retrieve an address I emailed to him last week. I found more than I was looking for. After finding several newsletter type emails from these websites I looked in his recycle bin. In there was a shortcut to a site that automatically logged him in when I clicked on it. He has only had this computer for two or three months so it isn’t just something he was into last spring.
What in the world am I supposed to do now?
We have two very small children together and I am unable to work so leaving is not really an option for me even if I DID have somewhere to go. Just how the heck am I supposed to even feel? I’m so numb.
When I married this man, he was going to school to be a minister. I really think I CAN expect this sort of thing to NOT go on in our home. He has since, of course, had a change in career choices.
TruThaiBoxer says:
February 15th, 2009 at 8:50 am
You may not like or respect this but **** is normal on any man’s computer! Look at it this way…he is learning how to pleasure a woman the way the pros do it. Now the fact that there was another woman on his computer that is a whole different story.
Look at the psychology behind this problem. If he is looking at **** all the time he is either:
A. Addicted to **** (which may be the reason)
or
B. He is not getting what he needs at home from you
or
C. He has a fantasy in which he is afraid to tell you about.
There seems to be obvious problems with your trust issues in the relationship. It was a good thing you found out that he was having a computer affair with a woman in another country but what does that say about your trust in the relationship when you had to check the first time to find it out? Now you will always think he is doing something wrong and your checking on him will only get worse.
The best thing you can continue to do is continue get counseling and try to work things out and hopefully you can trust him and not have to check on him all the time. Ask him to open up to you and try to find out why he is so interested in ****. Perhaps you can figure out ways to spice up your relationship and give your man what he needs. Good luck!
Remember it is not your fault or his for that matter. He got caught but you didn’t trust him in the first place so really you both have a lot of room for improvement. You need to trust him more and he needs to figure out a way to do things that are not going to hurt you!
New direction says:
February 16th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
…emotional affair?-find someone else he’s mostly lost.
min77ion says:
February 19th, 2009 at 7:52 am
uhhh ohhhhh,,,,,,,Can start blocking these programs or sites,,set the security up a little,,otherwise,,might be better just to talk to him,,and let him no U don’t want this in the house
cyber2nd says:
February 21st, 2009 at 12:30 pm
It’s porn, most men and women look at it, try and enjoy it with him!
shade9901 says:
February 24th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
well…u should probly leave him. hes technichally cheating on u. u could possibly move back in with ur parents…I know that sounds bad…but if he refuses to stop OR apologize then he doesn’t deserve u.
>Stanley the Plummer< says:
February 25th, 2009 at 6:59 am
cry it’s healthy….
marciano says:
February 28th, 2009 at 1:49 am
thats how men are…. its human nature….. thats what married men do…
cmsmec22 says:
February 28th, 2009 at 8:59 am
Honestly? I don’t think men looking at **** is cause for divorce. Men have been looking at it since time began and the more against it you are the more curious he’ll get like a little kid who’s told no. It would be a whole other story if he were cheating on you in the real world, but it’s really just pictures – no matter how graphic, it’s just a picture.
daniel s says:
March 2nd, 2009 at 10:52 am
Well!!! obviously your husband can”t be to Christian now, can he…
A W says:
March 5th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Go to counseling on your own for your low self-esteem. **** is nothing. Plus keep in mind the link you found was in the RECYCLE bin, meaning he DELETED it.
Get a grip and quit being nosy.
Jet says:
March 8th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Normal male behavior
Pumpkin Pie says:
March 8th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Sorry your going through this. Take his computer away from him. Since you cant just up and leave him. You are married with his children so it isnt a good idea to leave him. Unless you can find a good religious man that you can marry and bring your children, you are kinda stuck. Cant you go live with your parents or family. and get child support. I know I wouldnt put up with my husband watching **** for one minute. Dont give your husband the freedom to chat with girls, be sure he spends his time with you. Dont listen to these people who say **** is normal. These people are truley misguided, any decent man wouldnt be watching pornography.
mblastguy says:
March 10th, 2009 at 4:32 am
He’s a guy, he has desires. Imagine you having to give up shopping or something else you like to do. You can’t control him, the only one you can control is yourself. so you need to CHILL. it’s not hurting anyone, the emotional relationship sounds like a friendship with a woman and what is wrong with that? Don’t you have any friends either at work or somewhere else that are guys? Seriously give the guy a break, or else you are going to be a single harpy with the kids. Relationships are about compromise, its not always about you.
Fonz says:
March 12th, 2009 at 9:16 am
Don’t tell him that you found it. If you are trapped in the marriage, why stir up more trouble..
Avelyn says:
March 15th, 2009 at 6:15 am
If it’s a newsletter they’re probably sending it to him through a mass-mail thing… you know… SPAM.
As far as the “deleted” site… it was DELETED. He probably accidentally clicked on something from one of those emails (NOT requested by HIM) and it created that shortcut… so, he DELETED IT. He DE-LE-TED IT!!
Give him a break!
Juan Del Pueblo says:
March 16th, 2009 at 3:33 am
He’ll keep checking porn, no matter what. As long as it’s not excessive (prevents him from doing his day to day stuff), it should be OK. You need to distract him yourself. **** yourself up for him.
Son O says:
March 18th, 2009 at 11:22 am
Madam i feel there is one solution for you….PRAYER. There is really nothying that God can not do. He can change your Husband!!
Tchelo98 says:
March 20th, 2009 at 2:15 am
leave him be, the more you nag about the more he´ll like you less, men **** women who complain all the time…
lady says:
March 21st, 2009 at 2:16 am
i don’t know what the answer is,,but,,i’m just about in the same position as you with a **** addicted husband and being a jobless housewife,,with no where else to go,,i just cope with chatting online with other people and focusing on my children,,it’s difficult though,,but,,i just take it one miserable day at a time,,,
AggieChick0711 says:
March 23rd, 2009 at 2:12 am
Honey all you can do is pray for your marriage and talk to him about it. DON’T leave him yet. USE WISDOM!
Ask him:
What is your fantasy?
What can I do to please you better?
What do you want me to wear whenever we are making love?
or just take it into your own hands and become creative. GET FREAKY! Apparently he wants a freak and you ain’t doing it for him in the bedroom. This is your marriage and children are involved…WORK IT OUT!!!
THE DAWG. says:
March 24th, 2009 at 4:03 am
I Think Maybe You Need To Fulfill His Sexual Needs……
Before He Leaves..Sex Is A Natutral Act.Obviosly He Has Unfulfilled Needs …Get With It Lady..It’s Your Responsibility
omgshdevinsradx says:
March 27th, 2009 at 5:42 am
If it’s only pornography he’s getting into, consider yourself lucky.
At least he is not longer maintaining the emotional relationship that you mentioned. Personally, I would be upset, of course. But, he is just a guy and looking really isn’t doing much harm. Maybe the reason he’s doing that is because he’s a bit sexually frustrated? Maybe you should find out, try to spice things up you know? Just because you have two children doesn’t stop you from doing anything.
And you shouldn’t feel so numb, he’s not cheating on you.
But I guess if it upsets you THAT much, you should deff. confront him, even if the previous confrontation proved noneffective. Let his know where your cards lay and that if he doesn’t improve his ways that you’re gone. Sometimes just the thought of losing you might scare him into obediance.
Motor 19 says:
March 30th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
I’m sure I will probably get many thumbs downs for saying this but men looking at pornography is fairly normal. However, if it is effecting your relationship, meaning he is not physically or emotionally attached to you anymore, then there is certainly a problem. I guess the only advice I can give is to maybe try and woo him back to you and show him that you are just as ****. If your relationship has gone down hill, try focusing on you and him for a little while. Good luck.
Sign Serv says:
April 1st, 2009 at 11:54 pm
This is very normal in the typical guy. You cant always like everything. He looks at **** either because hes not getting the satisfaction home or hes just enjoying a little **** photography. thats perfectly healthy in todays world. Atleast hes not cheating on you physically. As long as he takes care of his kids and you and he provides a house and food, hes not really a bad guy!
unique4some says:
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:28 am
Looks like he likes ****. why not try and enjoy it with him?
find out why he goes there and ask if there is something you can be giving him in real life.
there are **** atticks who would rather have the **** and not a real life person.
I’m sorry, but you DO HAVE options!! There are shelters that help you find houseing, food, medical and a JOB
Hameed says:
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:49 pm
I receive each day trespassing emails all the time. Give him benefit of doubt.
If you REALLY believe that it isn’t the case talk to him openly tell him you don’t like him to watch ****. He definitely will understand.
Becka Gal says:
April 5th, 2009 at 7:10 am
You don’t say what you have against pornography, but it’s your opinion, and obviously not his.
This is like you enjoying and watching some reality show that he hates and him saying that it’s a dumb show that makes people watching it stupider just by the exposure to it.
Pornography is not illegal, and is wrong only in the opinions of some. Your discussions need to be about respect for each other, and not about pornography.
Do you respect him enough to allow him to have his own opinions, or do you feel that if his opinion about **** is different from yours that he’s wrong?
iceman says:
April 8th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
great another woman on answers thinking about divorce because there husband wants to watch a little ****.
grow up and realize he is an adult and so are you.
if you are going to take this kind of thing so personally then don’t bother ever getting married again.
notcrazyunwell says:
April 10th, 2009 at 6:33 am
Oh Wow, honey, I havent gone through this, but a friend of mine, she has been married around 18 years and has 4 children, a 17 year old son, a 14 year old son, a 10 year old daughter and a 6 year old son. Her husband and she have been in the church for a long time and have even been missionaries but she has been going through a struggle for the last few years after finding out that her husband did not in fact renounce his former homosexuality and was looking at *** **** on his computer repeatedly even after telling her he had quit. She even found that he had cheated with another man on her. They also went to counciling and tried pretty much everything they could to let go of it and to work things out and now after nearly 2 years of trying on their own and with pastors and various councelors, her husband has gone to a rehab clinic and when he comes back after the month long therapy, they will be separated. It is a messy situation and affects the whole family but I think that they are doing the right thing by separating for a while. I know that it seems like that would hurt the kids more, but as a person who comes from a divorced teenage mother and father who is an alcoholic, i know that it is better to see each parent in the best environment rather than them trying to stay together and the children seeing the worst in each parent. There is so much more I could share if you like and it would be no problem to help you out even if you just want to vent, go ahead and email me and I wont mind, My heart really goes out to you and I hope that something I said can help you, good luck.
WTF32!! says:
April 12th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
You obviously are not giving your husband what he needs (that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you, maybe you’re just not compatible). If you can’t then just expect **** on his computer. If you can’t handle the situation get out.
You know what your husband likes and wants so ask yourself if you can handle it.
Sara o says:
April 14th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
Well him watching **** is not big deal is ok, as long as not an addication and it doesn’t effect your *** life, let him watch it and tell him is ok with you as long as your *** life is ok. Trust me your rather him look at **** than go and cheat on you is normal thing. The other thing is the other woman you said he was having an emotional affiar with? I would more mad abou that than the **** thing. But if he doesn’t contact her anymore than you should let go. By the way try to go back to school and get career so you don’t have to depend on him that way you feel secure. Good luck
joe t says:
April 18th, 2009 at 12:31 am
It sounds like he is not getting what he needs at home. I am not blaming you, I think you need some spark at home. Every guy looks at **** if they say they don’t they also are liars. Now an emotional affair is scary but maybe the lady being in another country is his way of fantasizing but being safe since there is an ocean between them. I Wish you the best!
whisperinecstacy says:
April 19th, 2009 at 8:46 am
You know I did not think that it was that big of a deal, but have you ever heard that one drug will lead to another? It is kind of the same principle with pornography, eventually the excitement wears thin and then they move on to bigger things. Trust me I know I had three children and the pornography led to affairs with every female and worse. I am not saying that your husband is the same but I thought my world was going to crash but that was 20 years ago and it was a blessing. Just keep you and your children in mind when you make a decision.
getagrip says:
April 19th, 2009 at 8:52 am
pack his things in a suitcase. place the computer next to the suitcase. place both outside in the driveway. when he get’s home, tell him that he and his mistress (point to the computer) can go play somewhere else, and that you have a family to raise morally, that he is a cheat and he makes you sick. shut the door and watch him squirm in the driveway. you should not be the one to leave anyways. throw him out.
Spenc07 says:
April 20th, 2009 at 4:14 am
Well I hope it is nothing sick…. or illegal immoral is subjective. I have had this problem and I have found that it makes my wife very unhappy so we are doing are best to make sure I don’t do it anymore. I would think that if he cares about you and it offends you he would stop… If not than the decision is yours, live with it or move on. Sorry sounds like your up against it. The right choice is never the easy one…
Jess A says:
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:48 pm
If leaving is no option for you then all you have to do is accept the situation. he needs that **** to fill a void that you are not fullfilling. Stop involving the minister in a married situation. MEN NEED *** ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL THE TIME!!!! simple as that. You need to open your mind a bit more and realize that life is not all about just saying you are married with kids., You need to keep that marriage alive. Thats the reason why men cheat, but also the reason why he married you in the first place. men want the virgin to satisfy their selfish minds but they also know they wont be getting enough *** from them so they need to find alternatives. If you dont let him have that **** he will defitely go look elsewhere…and guess what? When you find out, you will STILL keep him because leaving is not an option for you. make an option!!! Find a job, work around your kids, and make something happen.
jazzygirl110381 says:
April 26th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
I can see why you are so worried about this! I would be! Your husband obviously does not respect you. And I don’t feel that you should look at the **** with him unless you want to. If there is no way that you can leave, then you need to have a talk with him. Explain to him that you feel betrayed. Ask him if there is something that the two of you can do to get the spark back in your marriage. Don’t accuse him or use nasty language (even thought that will be hard) – just try to let your true feelings come out. Tell him that you love him with all of your heart. I hope that everything works out for you two!
swtlilblonde31 says:
April 27th, 2009 at 10:35 am
You need to openly communicate with your husband and in return you need to listen to him, men look at **** from time to time (normal), but if he is always looking at it then something is wrong. He might be getting back at you for denying him the right to look, after all he is a grown man. He might not be getting his needs met at home…putting it bluntly …you’re not giving him enough ***. Or there are other marital issues that are causing stress. You have to find the root problem and you can only do that by listening to him and not attacking him when he does tell you.
It is completely normal for you to feel hurt and on your guard considering his affair online, if you feel he is having another affair then maybe you should seek help from a pastor or councelor. If it is just porn, then the two of you need to find the source of the problem….a little **** is normal….a membership to a pornsite would mean trouble in my opinion.
Dood says:
April 29th, 2009 at 9:41 am
All men look at **** regardless of religious affiliation.
Grow up.
*drink*
Donna M says:
April 29th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
I’m sorry for whats happening. Some guys seem to think its okay even if married to look at ****. Its not. Yet they seem to not realize how degrading it makes their wife feel. Especially if their is just a little bit of insecurity in herself about herself. The man needs to respect his wife. and Biblically, yes him looking at things such as that is a sin. Its one of the bi-laws of the bible thats a no-no. But what can ya do. Divorce him over emotional abuse, YES!! Would I leave if this was an ongoing situation and he knew how I felt about it. How it made me feel less of a woman. Less of a wife. Less of a person? Even if I didn’t have a job? YES!!! Definately without a doubt. He doesn’t think hes in the wrong, He apologized way back when and still continues to go on with it. He’s not willing to change, he’s just willing to try harder to hide it from you. You could stay with a family or friends until you get a place. His child support will help, his paying you maintenance will help. You getting the car since you have the children will help. You getting free consultations with every attorney around their will help in him not getting one. You applying for gov;t housing will help. It only takes about 6 months to get into one. Don’t use your not having a job as a crutch to not leave. If you just have some faith in yourself, you can do it. There are so many people out there that are willing to help. If you just want to get his attention, Go on his computer and look for jobs, housing, and attorneys. Then maybe he will start to open his eyes. Take Care and Good Luck
gingygirl says:
May 1st, 2009 at 8:24 am
I understand your pain and numbness, but I have to agree with most of my fellow answer-ers here – it is just ****. My hubby looks at it – I look at it, hell I even find the website for him (what does that say about me?).
I also get the emotional affair – that hurts and that really stinks, and it sounds as if he got that message….
Listen when you snoop you are bound to find things you didn’t want to find….we women we have a sense when things are up and you can sugar coat it and say “I was just looking at this and this popped up,” but you know the truth.
He is an adult and you may feel like he is acting selfish and childish but you two are married, so you are going to have to behave like adults.
He didn’t want to go to counseling – maybe because he got the message about the online affair and maybe he was just tried of being beaten over the head for it over and over again….
I suppose you need to ask yourself these questions: are you mad because he is looking at **** again? Why does **** bother you? do you feel he is comparing you to the other women? have you ever looked at **** and thought anything other than disgust for it? Could you see yourself participating with him in looking at ****? Do you understand that men are visually stimulated and that it means nothing 99.9% of the time? do you feel that his looking at **** has become a problem – is it effecting his normal day to day functioning?
Now be honest with all of this.
Sit down with your husband and talk to him – without nagging and crying name calling and tell him how you feel (after you truthful answer the above) and then go from there.
Sorry for the length….
shooting star says:
May 2nd, 2009 at 1:04 am
Looking at these **** web sites is in itseld not a bad thing, however the fact he know that you don’t like him doing this and he continues is another matter. What is wrong with him telling you he is doing this instead of lying and doing it behind your back, this secretive part to the process must make what he is doing even more suspicious to you, its not nice that he had what you call an emoptional afair with this other women, the minister has,’t helped and the couneslling only made him run away from the problem so what is a girl suposes to do no wonder you are feeling numb. Perhaps if he could be more open about what he is doing or even perhaps showed you want he was doing and why it might help you see where he is comming from. I am guessing you don’t like **** of any kind, looking at these sights with him might make you feel more part of the process, it doesn’t seem like he is going to change this habit, apart from trying to understand what eles are you left with, leaving him isn’t an option, so perhaps staying and playing might be a way round this obstcal. Are the sights hard core **** or soft porn, are they about certain types of ***? This doesn’t have to be a problem that you have to feel indequate, I look at **** with my partner and its something he isn’t that interested in but we share this because he knows I like too sometimes and I much rather he was a part of the process rather then doing it behind his back, he has become more open to the idea as time has gone on, and because I know he doesn’t mind I tend not to look, or think of it as much because once its on the table and you can have it some how the need for it isn’t as much. Perhaps your husbands is compelled to do it more bacause its a forbidden thing, and like most forbidden things we want them especially when we feel we can’t have them, take the mysery out of it and you might even begin to like it yourself. I hope this help, take care x
who_knows says:
May 3rd, 2009 at 9:33 am
You just have to accept it. Like you said, for the children’s sake and having a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs etc. You can’t go off the handle and make rash decisions that in the long run will negatively affect your children. It can be an addiction for your husband and he needs help like drinking or drugs and until he gets help that’s the way it will be. Just move along, maybe suggest counsel and/or otherwise ignore it. Do express your disapproval and leave it at that; if he cares about you and your marriage he will find ways to stop. Its a bad epidemic in our country and with **** being pushed on the internet; its rather disgusting but we can only control ourselves and what we do not others. Good luck and pray about it; prayer works!
Optimist says:
May 4th, 2009 at 2:14 am
I suggest that you try to appreciate **** yourself. Life would be so much easier for you, don’t you think?
Angelo P says:
May 6th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
First of all you should keep on working, so that your mind will be occupied. You should think why he is doing it , some gartification what he is not getting from you. you should be happy that he is only going through the pronography instead of the real thing. When people do not get what they want they look in other directions. You should be happy that he is not leaving you and moving in with someone else, first of all do not try to put all the blame on your husband so that he will be pushed to a corner, from where he will try to escape. Tell him you do not like him looking at the sites, then you will have to fill that void, are you willing to do that.
Always try to find why he is doing that types of things and you will be able to find an answer. The blame will be on both, if you want him to be yours only take care of him like that and he will be only yours.
who says:
May 8th, 2009 at 11:07 pm
give him some head, and stick a finger in his brown eye… then ask about the **** u found.